Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Elder Lunt

I have a missionary.
That's just crazy!
I never thought that this day would come.
But it's here.

After work yesterday, he picked me up from work and we went over to the mall to do one of those photo booths, after that we drove me home really fast. By then it was 6:10. He was getting set apart at 6:15
I was hoping for time just to be with him..
time to just sit and talk, cry with each other, just hold him... but our goodbye process was a little less than 60 seconds and it was heart wrenching. He held me in his arms and held me as I sobbed. He tilted my chin up, told me he loved me. He kissed me quick on the lips and then he was gone.

  I can't describe the feeling that set in, it came so quickly. It was a mixture of love, anger, frustration, aloneness and pure sadness. That wasn't how I imagined saying goodbye! That was my worst case scenario of saying goodbye to him. But that's how it was.

I cried for a while, I just let it all out. After a while I cleaned myself up and headed over to his house to go see the Elder. He looked so handsome, in his suit and the tie I gave him for his birthday:)

It was weird. Not being able to touch him, stand close to him. Anytime I would get near everyone would freak out and say "book of mormon apart! book of mormon apart!" or "remember he's a missionary now.." Psh please. I know DANG well he's a missionary now. But I just smiled.
It was especially hard since all I wanted to was wrapped my arms around him but I couldn't, I watched as all his siblings, nieces, and nephews got big hugs. I had to settle for a handshake and a sidehug.
He did wink at me though :) I love when he does that.

Reed was there, he and Ryan were joking about how I wouldn't wait for him and they were making bets of how long it would be until I got married. But they're wrong. I am waiting for him. I'd be stupid to let someone so important to me go.
Ryan still had his tag at the house so he put in on Bubba, that's when it really set in. He's a missionary. And I won't get to see him for two years.
Yes, I will still get to email him and send letters back and forth, but that doesn't fill the void of your best friend just up and leaving. He was always the best part of my day. I lived for his smile. Or his laugh! But mostly I'm going to miss his touch. His giant warm secure hugs, or even just a brush of his finger across my cheek.
I didn't cry at all the whole time I was there, but as I was walking out the door he said "wait!" and I turned around and looked up into his eyes.
"I.. um. I'm just going to miss you"
And that did it, tears welled up in my eyes and started to stream down my face. I wanted more than anything else just to hug him, or squeeze his hand. Any sort of reassuring touch. But I walked out the door and just let the tears flow down my face.
I called Allison and I'm amazed she could understand me through all the sobs. She came and picked up and we just drove around. We picked up Paige and we listened to sad songs. I cried, they cried with me. The one song that really got me was Superman by Taylor Swift. It just fit perfectly when related to a missionary. He's going to "save the world" and "go to work"

He sent a snapchat to everyone saying:
See you all in 2 years!
Then he sent one just to me:
And you. I love you with all my everything

Waking up this morning wasn't my favorite thing, I had a headache from crying so much last night and my throat was so sore. I think I'm getting sick. Normally when I wake up I check my phone for a text from him, there wasn't.
I went to text him, then stopped. remembering...
I don't even know why I have a phone now.. I only used it to communicate with him! Everytime it vibrated I went to grab it, excited that it was him, I don't know why I thought it would be him. I knew it wouldn't be.
I got permission from work to stay home, so I laid in bed and cried. I cried and cried. The pain you feel, it's unexplainable. It's not a break-up pain or a someone-you-love-died pain. It's worse than both of those! It's a pain where the person you love, the best thing in your life, isn't within texting or calling reach. It's a pain where you internally tear yourself to shreds knowing that you won't be WITH him for two years. Just being with him, we didn't have to talk, was always my favorite part of the day. Will I get to see/talk to him on Mother's Day and Christmas? I'm not sure.. that's up to his family. Within an hour of each other I wrote him a letter and sent him an email. It'll take me some time not being able to update him with every new part of my day, him just being a text away. Now I have to just write highlights and not too many because he'll have a lot of emails to read in a small amount of time each P-day.
This really is quite cruel. It's a necessary evil. But I'm willing to put up with this torture. He's totally worth waiting for. Call me crazy but I love him. And I'm waiting.  

He got dropped off by his family at the Provo MTC at 12:30, I'm grateful that I didn't go because saying goodbye to him again would've killed me. It's strange thinking he's just in Provo, just a few miles away.. but he seems so much further than that.
Today was pretty rough, I felt like a koala bear, a crying koala bear. All I did today was sleep, cry, cry a lot, sleep, then cry. REPEAT. It's good to cry, it's healthy and it helps! I would be ok but then someone would ask me about it and then tears would flow. Man, why is this so hard?!
I KNOW he's doing a good thing. I KNOW he's serving the Lord. I KNOW he's being protected. I KNOW I'll see him again.
Why can't my tear ducts understand that?

I went and did some retail therapy, that felt good. Except I felt super sick and hot the whole time AND because my mind has been in such disaray I forgot to put on deodorant so I stunk!
I've had no appetite at all today.. I knew I needed to eat so I tried to eat something but that just made my stomach hurt worse. I can't tell if I have stomach pain because I'm getting sick or there's just a pit in my stomach because I feel so awful about being separated from Bubba. I'm kind of like that dolphin in Boy Meets World, she was separated from her mate so she cried all day and didn't eat.

Then, the highlight of my day. An angel, named Sarah came over with a smile on her face. She had flowers and chocolate chip cookies and a spirit that exudes pure joy. She's been in my situation and lived to tell about it. She knew how I was feeling and came to tell me that it's ok to be sad, but it will be ok. We looked at all the positives of his mission and she was really excited when I told her that I was going on one. I'm grateful for her and I know she was sent here by the power of prayer.

Regardless of all the hurt and loneliness, I'm grateful Bubba is serving right now. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm grateful for a Father in heaven who listens to my sob-filled prayers. And I'm grateful for a knowledge that everything is going to be ok.

I love you Elder Lunt!! DO WORK!

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