memories

So, I thought I was ok. With the way my life was going.
But. Maybe not.

As I was at my brother's show tonight and I saw the dancing on stage, and I saw my old dance partner, his little brothers, guys from the studio. I cried. I full blown cried.
I miss it so much. Dancing was my whole life and now what am I doing? Working. Is that what I want to do for the rest of forever? No. I miss being able to let loose and really LOVE what I'm doing.
I mean dental assisting is great but I don't love it or will I ever love it the way I love dancing.

It breaks my heart that I had to quit. It makes me think 'why did I quit in the first place?' And I remember the old times. But it won't ever be that again. The studio is different. I'm different. And I think that my director is still so mad at me that she probably wouldn't let me come back.
But my heart still wants to dance. I WANT TO DANCE. I MISS IT.

I hugged Calen tonight. It's the first time I've seen/talked to him in 8 months. He used to be my best friend. He was my dance partner, my favorite person. Man. He was even my soul mate. We were inseparable. But life took the course it did and here we are. Not talking in 8 months. As I hugged him I cried. Because I missed him. Not in a romantic way, I think it's safe to say that I'm over him. But just as a friend. As my dance partner. As the person I loved above all the rest. I miss that relationship.

Man, I sure hate life sometimes. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD?! I don't want to grow up. I don't want to make decisions! I don't want to be old. Can't life jsut go back to the way it was? Can't I dance in the studio forever? I don't want people I care about to get older, move away, forget the memories. It's hard. Life is just so hard.
You might think that it's stupid that I'm crying over dance. But dance was my everything. It literally was my life. Now it's just a memory. A memory that I miss.