A day of suck

Days in history that have sucked:
-When Obama was elected president
-When I failed a class in high school
-When my grandma was diagnosed with cancer
-When my car got booted
-Yesterday


Yes. Yesterday was not my favorite day in the whole world.
It actually is the furthest thing from my favorite. And if I had the chance to relive it my answer would be absolutely, positively, hands down NO.
It sucked.

See, well I had this boyfriend and his name was Armand.
And I loved him, I actually loved him.
But um, see now he is NOT my boyfriend because, well, because he dumped me.

Which is hard for me because I trust everyone but then there are those people that I trust even more than others. The more I trust you, the more I love you. The more I love you, the more I become attached.
Don't get me wrong I wasn't clingy --well, at least I hope not-- but emotionally I was attached to him.
So him telling me that it was over and that he still wants to hang out, go on dates, have everything "be normal"
No. That can't happen. When in the history of EVER has a relationship gone from boyfriend/girlfriend to just friends and aka "normal"
The answer is never.

So what happened was he ripped my heart out of my chest.
"But Amy, when I said that I honestly could see myself marrying you. That was true, it's just now is not the right time"

NO. Not ok. You can't just rip my heart out of my chest and then try to put it back in and get it to start beating. It doesn't work like that!
Also. How dare you get my hopes up like that. I had a small chance of getting over you but now since you "still see us getting married" there goes all hope of me unattaching myself from you and now you have me on a leash, I'm at your command master. Because girls hold on. For a long time.

I cried a little in front of him, I tried to hold it back, which I feel I did pretty great. But some tears get out. But once he dropped me off, I just walked away. Walked right to my apartment. Didn't look back.
Once I was in my apartment, I fell apart. I sobbed and sobbed. I was on the ground crying my eyes out. And no one was there to even care about me.
I called a bunch of people to talk to someone.
But all I wanted was to talk to him. But that was out of the question. Things are just awkward and different between us. It's not the same nor will it ever be again.

But, there was goodness in this sucky suck day full of sucking.

Finally my sister Heidi called me back and she came over. She found me in my dark apartment on the kitchen floor. She just held me for awhile, said soothing things, and just let me cry. Eventually she left and I again was on my own.
Then my roommate Amie came home. She immediately knew something was wrong --maybe it was the smeared mascara, swollen eyes, and billions of tissues--  I told her. Her response:
"Wanna drink hot chocolate and watch a chick flick?"
 Amie made me hot chocolate and we watched 10 things I hate about you.
JanaLe came home and let me just hug her. Ashley brought over a half gallon of ice cream. And we all ate right out of the carton while watching cute Heath Ledger. After the movie they just let me vent.
I talked. I screamed. I cried. And they listened.
My cute parents came to the apartment with my dog Domino. Domino has always been my best friend so seeing him definitely made things better. My parents gave me huge hugs and my dad had brought me flowers. Man I love them. They didn't stay long, just long enough to let me know that they love me.

After they left, I still was feeling awful. My eyes hurt and I had a pounding headache from crying so much. Then Ashley had a brilliant idea.
You need a priesthood blessing.
I was a little hesitant at first because A-the first priesthood holders I thought of were Ray and Armand and 2-I felt dumb for wanting a priesthood blessing after breaking up.
But I knew I needed one and I did want the comfort.
We called JanaLe's brother, he dropped everything he was doing, changed and came over.
He gave me a blessing and it was beautiful. I love blessings, they're amazing.

Finally I had to go to bed, I took 5 ibuprofen, 2 Nyquill pills, and I was out.
Luckily I had run out of tears so I couldn't cry myself to sleep.

But here's the thing. I seriously had no idea this was coming, so naturally it makes me think I did something wrong. But you're saying I didn't do anything wrong, it's just the timing isn't right. But how on earth do I get over you when EVERYTHING reminds me of you? I don't understand why things are the way they are right now. And I probably won't for awhile. It'll take a long time for me to heal and things won't be normal like how you wanted... But I'll try. It's just I'll miss a lot of things.
I'll miss getting to see you everyday.
I'll miss your hugs.
I'll miss that silly face you make ALL the time.
I'll miss hanging out with your family.
I'll miss being at your apartment all the time.
I'll miss getting to call you mine.
I'll miss talking to you on the phone.
I'll miss hearing your mission stories
I'll miss a lot of things actually... but. I'm sure you won't.

You'll just move on. Be fine. You probably already have a date for this Friday. Did you really love me like you said? Or was I just another girl you fell for in a second. Because I don't really know to be sure.  And that's what drives me crazy! I don't know how you're feeling right now!! Are you happy? Sad? Relieved? Do you miss me? Do you regret breaking up with me? I wish I knew.

But I did wish you'd text me or call me or made some sort of effort to reach me. And even though I wouldn't respond.. it'd help me know that you don't hate me and actually miss me in your life.
2 months of seeing and talking to each other everyday and then it just stops. Yeah I'm going to miss talking to you. Why wouldn't I? I just hate how things are going to be now. I'm not excited for people to ask " How are you and Armand?" I'm not excited to go to FHE because I know you'll be there. I don't know if I could handle seeing you with the situation the way it is.

I hate the way you talk to me, 
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, 
I hate it when you stare. 
I hate your big dumb combat boots 
and the way you read my mind. 
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme. 
I hate the way you’re always right, 
I hate it when you lie. 
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry. 
I hate it when you’re not around, 
and the fact that you didn’t call. 
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.