growing up

I can remember back in elementary when I couldn't WAIT to grow up:
I was going to play spin the bottle at my 16th birthday party!
I was going to drive a convertible!
Be a popular cheerleader with a hot athlete boyfriend!
Graduate!
I was going to get married!
Go on a honeymoon!
Have lots of kids!
Be a stay at mom!
Basically live the perfect life.

Guess what. Life isn't like the fairy tale you dream of when you're little..
I didn't even have a 16th birthday party... I drove an ugly green thing in high school.
I wasn't a cheerleader (praise Allah!) and I didn't have a smokin' hot boyfriend.
Pretty sure I wasn't even CLOSE to being popular.

Now don't get me wrong.. I DID graduate.. so I did something right.
But it's not as glamorous as people make it out to be.
Because now it's time to grow up and be an adult.
I AM TERRIFIED OF GROWING UP!

 I decided the other day that maybe I DO want to move out. You know? Get the college feel, without having to go to school and be stressed with homework and stuff. Plus I can't stay at home forever, I need to go out and see the world from an independent standing point.

Well I told Janale on Monday I wanted to move out with her. Obviously she freaked out and was SO excited! Then the next day we went out apartment shopping. And the first one we went to we LOVED. It was really really nice too.
But there's a downside.They are 95% full and expect to be completely full by the end of the week. So if we want that apartment we would have to sign for it ASAP.

But MY thing is I didn't want to move out until I had my own mode of transportation! But I don't have a car, and I don't have enough money for a scooter yet. I don't even know if I have enough money for the first payment with all the other things I'm paying for right now.

 I was excited to move out but then it got all stressful and my parents started talking about all of the things I'm going to have to pay. And that got me really anxious because when I was writing it all down, I was basically broke by the end of the month with all my expenses.
And then on top of that I told my best friend that I went apartment shopping, thinking he would be excited for me. But he FREAKED out and got mad at me. Telling me that I can't move because I'll never see him. Which, if I don't have transportation, would be true. And I'm moving out because I hate him. And when I was looking for support from him, he made the decision even harder.

So basically I had this major break down and started crying. I didn't know who to talk to because even my sister told me that I would be paying too much. Luckily my older brother called to say hello and he could tell that I was having a rough day just from the sound of my voice. He asked what was wrong and I told him everything. Then he helped me with a spreadsheet, with all my expenses and what not. And it made me realize I wasn't as poor as I thought I would be. Plus, he was the ONE person to make me feel better about my decision.

Why am I moving out? What's the real reason? I don't know. It just seems like the thing I should do right now.
Yes. It is a lot of money for an apartment. But it is a nice apartment.
Yes. I will not see my best friend very often. But he means a lot to me and I will find ways to see him.
Yes. I am scared out of my mind. But it's time for me to grow up.
Yes. It is a YEAR contract. But if I need to stop living there, I can sell my contract.
Yes, my parents aren't in a position to financially help me, but if I struggle with money--the Lord will help me find a way.

The only thing that is holding me back is the transportation thing. I still don't know about that.
I prayed to see if this was a good idea and I haven't been struck with lightning yet so I guess I'm going to sign for an apartment today...
 I'm growing up. I need to start making my own decisions. I can't rely on anyone else anymore. It's all on me.

And I guess... this is happening.