{bipolar}

What am I doing? Sometimes my actions or words go way faster than my brain could ever comprehend. So later after something has already been said, been done. I regret it.
That's how I feel right now.

I know I'm going to hurt more than one person writing this post... but it needs to be said. I'm not going to live a lie.
And the thing I want to talk about is...   my last post.

I'm not going to delete it. No. That's stupid. I'm not going to act like I never wrote that, like I never said those things. Because I did. But I'm not fully one hundred percent sure why I did.

Yes, I do care very highly of  Michael. And yes I do very much love spending time with him. But this is just way too much, too soon. And I think that maybe I was just making it something I wanted... even if it wasn't that exact thing. You know? Ugh. Does that even make sense?
I talked it over with Allison for HOURS and she explained to me what, by myself, I just couldn't understand. She told me that she had this exact situation with this one guy. He absolutely LOVED her and she just didn't. She loved spending time with him, they always had fun together, there was never a dull moment, and she thought to herself, "well, maybe I DO like him, maybe this COULD work."

So they told each other they'd be "secretly" together. They liked each other they just wouldn't tell anyone about it. A day into it she thought to herself, "What am I doing? I can't do this." And she told him, broke his heart.
As I listened to her say this I couldn't help but think that I felt the EXACT same way. But the hardest part was, she broke his heart. And I don't want to do that to Michael. I couldn't. I wouldn't... I just can't.

But I can't go on like this, I can't say one thing then do another. You don't say "I love you" to your wife then go kiss another woman, you just DON'T do that. You don't tell your kids you'll give them bubblegum if they eat their oatmeal, and then don't give it to them after they do. You just DON'T do that.

So I'm stuck. I said something that in a way... can't be unsaid. What's done is done. What's said is said.

But I can't lie. But I can't break his heart.
  But I can't lie.
 But I can't break his heart.
But I can't lie.
 But I can't break his heart.
But I can't lie.
 But I can't break his heart.
But I can't lie.
 But I can't break his heart.
But I can't lie.
 But I can't break his heart.
But I can't lie. But I can't break his heart.

AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
It's this never ending cycle of "Amy you're stupid, why did you do that?!"
 And then I think..

"Well I did it because I like him.
No I don't.
Yes I do.
No I don't.
 Yes I do.
No I don't.
 Yes I do.
No I don't.
 Yes I do.
No I don't."
The thing is I don't really know... Then I think.. "well you have to pick something. Oh wait you can't because you are bipolar."

Because either way I hurt him, and either way I'm an idiot for jeopardizing our friendship like that.

Which is the lesser pain of the two?
Oh yeah. There isn't.
Either way he hates me. Doesn't trust me anymore for lying.
But it wasn't a lie. When I wrote that post, I honestly thought I was writing the truth. And who knows? Maybe somewhere deep down I do feel that way for him.

But I think  I wrote those things because I was hoping...daydreaming..wishing...wanting for something that wasn't there. And now that I have that "dream" it's not real. It was fake. And I don't want something that's fake. I'd rather have my REAL friendship with him, and that is what I REALLY want. Not some lie I was telling myself and everyone else.



I'm sorry. But that's what I want.